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What Could Have Been…


“Yo Jane!”

Felix opened the door without bothering to knock, “Daddy is calling…”

“Aaaahhh!” came Jane’s reply.

“Dear God!” He screeched to a halt and spun on his heels, beating a hasty retreat from his sister’s room. “The horror!!!”

Jane was stuck in the compromising position she was caught in; legs wrapped tightly around a large ‘Aquadana’ bottle filled with lukewarm water which lay on her felt coated body pillow, both of which were held between a stack of pillows and her sodden crotch while she cradled her, fairly generous, breasts in her hands. Sweat trickled down her face and bare torso, while she struggled to catch her breath.

If Felix had been a little more observant, he would have noticed the wireless headset around her neck with the buds fixed to her ears and the Samsung tab which she supported against her bed rest.

He would have noticed the blackness of the screen which, until he fled the scene of his sister’s brazen display of onanistic prowess, was filled with the image of a strapping, fair skinned fellow with a mane of hair around his face, a well defined body and a generous member which he held in his hands, gently, but firmly stroking to his sister’s fevered tempo.

body pillow

Soft Werk…

“I’m guessing that was your brother…” the disembodied voice of the man on the other end of the line reached Jane’s ears as he returned from behind the blackness which he hid.

“Yea… that was Felix. I gotta go. I’m sorry”.

“It’s ok. Go see your dad, we’ll talk later”, the man said with a lopsided smile the moment his face reappeared on the screen, a smile that caused a smile to appear on Jane’s face. “Your folks won’t give you problems for this sort of thing, would they?”

“They would if they find out…” She said, a sliver of panic ran through her, twisting her smile into a cute grimace.

“Your brother… he is not a snitch, is he?”

“No. He’s got my back always.” She replied with a smile.

“Good… Let’s talk later ok”.


Some minutes later, a fresh faced Jane walked into her father’s room in a pair of white spaghetti top and white shorts. “You called for me?”

“Yes, ten minutes ago”, her father’s gruff voice came from within his closet.

“I was in the bathroom?” Jane supplied with uncertainty as she crossed the large boudoir to stand at the door of his walk-in closet. She knew she should have spoken to that block-headed Felix, of a boy, before she answered her father’s summon. He must have given a good enough cover story for her. She, however, did not know what it was – in fact, the reason she was ten minutes late to see her father was because she did not find the block-head anywhere.

“So… what’s up dad?

“I take it you did not see Felix before you came here?”

Her father, who had been her sole parent for many years, easily read through her hastily cooked story.

“No…” She said with a defeated sigh. “What did he tell you?”

“Kitchen…” The dark skinned man with a rich head of black hair that was already greying at the temples, walked out of the closet with a dark blue office suit and a darker blue office suit. Looking from one to the other, he turned to Jane lifting each suit in turn, asking her opinion.

Jane ran her eyes over his handsome face and his square-set jaw that gave him an imperial air of sorts. She let her eyes run over his broad shoulders and his lean, yet muscular physique. For the longest time, she had an unholy fixation on her father that she simply termed a ‘very strong’ crush. Those days were behind her now, yes, but that did not stop her from appreciating his shapely body whenever she got the chance.

idris elba

Aii Pappi!!!

“Ah!…” Jane gasped with a nod of the head as she picked one suit at random; they were too alike to tell apart anyway. “I was in the kitchen then”.

“Hehe…” He knew better than to dig any deeper or ask any other questions. His children were thick as thieves, always covering for each other. If he ever had any regrets in life, it would be the fact that their mother, Felicia, was not here to see the children they created together; she did not watch them grow into the wonderful people that they have become.

Jane and Felix were born within minutes of each other, but because their mother died before they turned seven, Jane took the motherly role and became the elder of the two; Felix did not mind too much, he became her protector.

This understanding between the kids made life easy for James Oduniya. They only ever came to him when there was a problem too big for them to handle; like that one time when Jane had tried to make some funny sauce she saw on some cooking show and thought it was a great idea to pour whiskey into a heated frying pan… it was not – she nearly burned down the house.

Or that time when Felix tried to drive his mother’s Peugeot 306 which James had kept in pristine condition long after she was dead. The young boy, of only fifteen, reared the car into their fence; the twins were by the car, waiting for him on their knees when he rushed out of the house to find the source of the noise, each claiming to be the perpetrator.

“So what’s for breakfast then?” James asked his daughter as he wore a grey office shirt over his suit trousers and buttoned his shirt while Jane opened a small box in his closet to retrieve a pair of gold cufflinks and a matching tie clip which she affixed to his cuffs and shirt.

“Ionno… Your wife is in charge of breakfast duty”. Jane replied with non-committal shrug, to which her father emphatically rolled his eyes at her.

“She’s your step-mother you know… my wife”, James said as he lifted his chin for Jane to knot his tie. “Do you think you could be less un-nice to her?”

“I don’t have any problems with her…”

“Well, you don’t not have any problems with her either…” James replied with a knowing smile. The terrible grammar was something the twins had picked up when they were younger that drove him nuts at the time, but he ended up picking it up as well.

“I guess that is true… I’ll try to look at her with both eyes from now on”.

“That is all I ask of you cupcakes”

James smiled at his little girl who was now a lady of marriageable age. He was not sure how to reconcile the little box of trouble that he bounced on his thighs – just a few years ago it seems – and the beautiful and somewhat sexy lady who still fussed over him whenever she could.

“You are a big girl now”, James said as he planted a sloppy kiss on her forehead.

“Awwwn… my beautiful daddy!” Jane wrapped her arms around his girth which was steadily getting bigger since he married that gold digging evil spirit six months ago.


Issa touching moment…

“Dr Obande called me last night” James said as he held his daughter in his arms.

“Facking shit!!!”

“Language missy!” Her father sternly cautioned.

“Puppy poop!” She cursed cleanly; James chuckled lightly at her silliness.

“Is there something going on you have not told me?”

Jane stood quietly in her father’s arms. She was not sure she knew how to explain to him her complete weariness of the entire process of treatment after treatment, nor did she know how to tell him that she very nearly ended her life after she left the doctor’s office the previous day.

“Well… he did not have anything good to say so I left”


“In a, totally, unrelated news…” she interrupted while she broke their hug, “I think I met Mr. Right outside the hospital”.

Her wide grin, though infectious, could not stop the wave of fear and nausea that spread through James at the thought of his daughter being touched by some stupid idiot who will never appreciate the delicate soul that was his little angel.

“Oh?!” His countenance was an odd cross between a happy smile and a concerned scowl on his face.

“Wonderful news!” Anita walked into her husband’s room with a long glass filled with an unholy looking, green brew that Jane knew was a concoction of all the ugly fruits, leaves and roots money could buy; avocado, carrots, green peas, ginger, turmeric, garlic, moringa and aloe vera.

“Isn’t it great news dear?” Anita asked as she placed the ugly drink that smells worse than it tastes on her dresser table and walked up to her husband, coming in-between father and daughter – who, she thought, was a little too much in love with her father – adjusting his tie and collar. “You look dashing today handsome!”

“Really? I think you are simply biased”, James smiled as he bowed his head to kiss his diminutive wife.

James had always been a slim man and who hoped to be big. He owned his own advertising firm and he was doing really well for himself, there was nothing he needed that he could not easily afford, including his daughter’s bone marrow transplant which she had done thrice already. Yet, he never was able to go above size 16, no matter how much he ate.

That changed when he met Anita at his friend’s birthday. She owned her own beauty salon and was a fitness nut. She talked him into working out and a change of diet which led to an increase of no less than three sizes in a year and a half. Every increase was in muscle as against fat which he had originally hoped for.

Anita, was a beauty in her own right. Fair skinned and curvy, she carried herself with the confidence of someone who knew her strengths and weakness and she was unafraid to speak what was on her mind. Only problem would be that she was less than five foot-six inches to his six foot-three inches. Not that James had a problem with that, her well trained body which, though generous in curves, was completely devoid of sag – defying the effects of gravity and age – made his aging member a lot younger than the rest of his body.

‘Yuckity-yuck!’ Jane faux-puked at the unabashed display of emotion. “Get a room guys!” she teased as she left.

The happy couple ignored the young lady as they held onto each other, reaffirming their feelings for each other with every brush of the lip.


I… won’t heesitate… Nooo more. Nooo more. Iiiit iiis ooour faaate… I’m yooours!!! Please don’t! Please don’t! Please don’t! There’s no neeed to coooomplicate, cos our time is shooort… this is, this is, this is our fate…”


Bathroom’s Got Talent…

“Would you shut up and get out of there!” Ekene’s voice tore through Tobe’s unholy singing.

Tobe was good at many things, but singing was just not in the cards for him. He could not hold a note to save his life, his discordant singing and his inability to pick a key and stick to it was akin to a mother hen clucking over her brood of eggs while staring at a famished cat with nails in its paws as it yowled for help from a dying, yelping dog.

Tobe was, for lack of a better adjective, tone-deaf. He could appreciate sounds, but he could not, for the love of all things holy, reproduce said sounds. He could not tell the difference between his doh and his mii, yet he insisted on singing in the bathroom while Ekene waited for him to haul his ass out and sign the documents he had drawn up as per Tobe’s instructions.

“Hurry up already I’m late for work!”

“Ok! Gimme a few”

“You’ve been in there for a few fews… come out jere!” Ekene thundered as he walked away from the bathroom door.

He was already late for work as it were; at least he could give an excuse that he had an early appointment with a client. The signed papers should give him some wiggle room.

Late as he was though, he could not ignore the monumental fact that Tobe was singing in the bathroom.

Now the singing was not all too important to Ekene, what really pricked him side-ways was the fact that Tobe was actually singing a love song. A Jason Mraz song no less. Nothing spells in love like a Jason Mraz track which practically dripped gooey honey filled with sappy emotions.

Now the singing alone was not so big a deal, it was the other oddities that Ekene had witnessed in the past night through morning that added up to leave a vague picture in his mind.

Tobe hates long conversations. Nothing about long conversations appealed to him at all. He always ran out of patience after the fourth or fifth minute, and then he would fall back to a series of short monotonic responses that would indicate to his co-interlocutor that he no longer wished to continue the conversation. Even more, he hated long conversations over the phone.

In the wee hours of night, Ekene had woken up to ease his overly full bladder, the consequence of the many bottles of cheap wine they had shared while they talked into the night. After he answered nature’s call, he heard Tobe guffaw in an uncharacteristically calm and indulging manner, as though he was trying to prove to the other person that he found the person funny.

‘How odd!’ Ekene had thought at the time as he continued his way to bed.

Less than an hour ago, Ekene had taken extra care to brush away the layer of fur that grew on his tongue (as all ardent wine drinkers know to expect after a night of over-indulgence) and by the time he left the bathroom, he knew he was going to be a few minutes late to work. Yet as he passed by Tobe’s door, he heard him moaning and cooing and encouraging someone to put her back into it!

‘Tobe had a girl over last night?’

‘How the hell did that happen?’

‘When did she get here? We stayed up drinking till past ten last night’.

He could not stop himself from pausing just outside Tobe’s door to listen for the expectant soundtrack Tobe’s guest would be making.

big ears

You never hear anything good…

Oooh! Tobe you bad bad boy!” A disembodied, albeit, sultry voice laced with want and desire reached Ekene’s ears, “What big dick you have...!”

“Only so that I can fill you better!” Tobe replied in-between pants. There was a light fap-fap-fap sound that reached Ekene’s ears outside the door where he stood, at first he could not make out what the sound meant. That was until he heard the disembodied lady coo;

“Tobe… I want you inside me right now… I want all that D!!!”

“Concentrate on the work at hand girlie… we will hook up later today”

At this point Ekene’s mouth was hanging open, wide enough for a goose egg to easily fit into it.

‘Tobe is having a video chat… a sex video chat!!!’


While, to most, it was not so much of a big deal, it was a super big deal to Tobe. He would not even indulge in lengthy calls to begin with; even worse, Ekene could not remember the last time Tobe allowed himself appear behind a camera lens. Every picture with Tobe was a battle from pose to cheese, only his late brother, Obiora, ever had the power to get him to stay still long enough to take a picture or video.

To expect this camera-shy fellow would willingly accept a video-call would be like expecting snow in the desert.

‘How the fuck did this happen?!’

Ekene was shocked beyond words. None of these made sense to him; lengthy midnight calls, a sexy video call with an ambient fap-fap-fap sound, and now Jason Mraz in the shower.

‘Tobe might be in love…’

This final conclusion began as a feeling which then grew into a hope; this hope turned into a quiet thought before it became a quiet word.

“Tobe might be in love”

He wanted to jump and dance and sing praises to the Father Almighty for this great gift of love in the arid dryness that was Tobe’s decaying heart. Maybe love would bring the healing that Ekene had been praying for all along.

deaert rain

Desert Rains…

Ekene wanted to scream for joy, but he held himself back. He would rather watch that quiet word grow louder and louder till it becomes a battle cry… then and only then would he let himself some room for celebration. He crossed his fingers and signed himself with a cross.


‘Sweet Lord Jesus’ He prayed in his heart, ‘All ye heavenly saints above; do not forsake him now!’

“Tobe! You stubborn piece of shit!” Ekene cursed at the still singing bathroom occupant, “Get the hell out of that bathroom!”

His tone was harsh but he could not hide the smile on his face or the joy in his voice, “You better not be wasting my bathing gel!” 1

“OOOh Gawd!” Tobe answered igbotically from within the bathroom, “O na mmadu a ma saazi amu ya n’udo?2

To be continued…

1 : A masturbation joke…

2 : Can’t a person wash his privates in peace…


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